International Women's Day 2017.

By no means do I consider myself a political person - but I do hold very true to the ideas of feminism. I feel like in the past couple years, these ideals have been bolstered by the strong women, friends, and leaders I have been so lucky to spend time with - and because I feel like I've found myself in lots of situations where my femininity (aka - having a vagina) has made me feel unsafe or unappreciated.


I am making a stand this International Women's Day because...

...I will never forget the first time I was harassed by a man. I was standing at a stop light on my way to the mall in the 9th grade. A man stopped at the light, stared my friend and me straight in the eyes, and placed his disgusting tongue between his two fingers.

...I had no idea [until 10 years after] that being sexual assaulted was not my fault.

...when placed in a group project my senior year of college with a group of all men, our professor asked us all to introduce ourselves by saying our name and at least one thing we feel we bring to the table for the group project. The men went first, saying their names and strengths like public speaking, graphic design, presentation generation, etc until it was my turn. I started to say "My name is Shannon and I am good at organizing workflow" but instead it was interrupted with "My name is Shannon" "--and I'm really good at making sandwiches" by my brand new male teammate whom I had absolutely no previous interactions or rapport. 

...when I was walking down the street alone this past summer, a group of six teenage men told me first that I was cute and then that I "have a nice ass". When I told them that they were being disrespectful and that the sheer number of them compared to me was threatening, instead of apologizing, they told me that I "should have just smiled" and that I'm "not cute anymore."

...in the the 9 block walk to drop off my election ballot this past year, I was whistled at 3 times and screamed at about my aforementioned "nice ass" twice from cars and buildings I walked past. 

...I will never forget the first time I was harassed by a man after Donald Trump was elected President of the United States of America. I was standing at a bus stop alone after work and a man whistled and yelled "Ooh girl, I have something to put between those legs" from only a sidewalk distance away. I remember feeling more scared than I had every previously been because of his proximity, the darkness, and the validation he may feel from the most powerful man in the world. 

I don't feel like my participation in this day is necessarily political or stubborn or irrational. I don't feel like people who identify as feminist are necessarily radical. I think my participation is just an acknowledgement that I am not the only woman with this story or a story very much like this one. Strong, powerful, intelligent, beautiful, driven women everywhere face this kind of dehumanization on more occasions than any one person could imagine.

If you (man, woman, transperson, frog, amoeba, alien, etc) don't think these things happen regularly, look to your right and left and ask the first woman you see to tell you of a time she's been harassed and be prepared to become a bit of a feminist yourself.




And with that, I am off to do the best thing I could think of today: Volunteering at Mi Casa Resource Center at North High School. Not only is Mi Casa "dedicated to advancing the economic success of Latino and working families in the Denver Metro area" - but it was founded by eight badass women/mothers/trailblazers. It's an honor to be a part of their legacy.

Happy International Women's Day.

On Harry Potter and Heartbreak

Here is a post that has been churning in the back of my mind for some months now. To eliminate any and all mystery, I will explain the title of the post from the get-go:

The beginning of May 2016, the man I dated for a smidgen over a year and I split up. The beginning of June 2016, I finally started my adventure of re-reading the Harry Potter books for the very first time since reading them as they came out when I was a child/teen, a feat I have been talking about for years. 

I am (as someone blatantly called out recently) a "serial monogamous dater." I have put lots of passive thought into this blunt truth. Here are some of the reasons I can't help being this way:

• I believe everyone deserves to be passionately loved and cared for
• I believe everyone is capable of expressing their very own great and unique love
• I am fearless (and perhaps foolish) when it comes to love
• My fearless love is infectious
• I never believe that love will fail tomorrow or the next day - I always assume its permanence
• Falling in and out of love are both my greatest strengths and my greatest weaknesses
• I knowingly, lovingly, and gracefully hold a place in my heart for every person I've ever loved
• If love = happiness, no matter how fleeting, I will forever choose love

Unlike many single adults I have met in my short, love-filled twenty-five years of life, I have literally never once let heartbreak deter me from diving head-first back into love. I have been cheated on, lied to, and manipulated and I have done the cheating, the lying, and the manipulating. Just as I don't hold past partner's faults against my future partners, I don't let past versions of myself hold my present self back. Some days, this ability to fearlessly walk into yet another potentially tragic love story feels like a magical power possessed solely by me.

Because of my known power and weakness to fall in love, I recruited Harry Potter as my very own Patronus. Instead of using Harry to ward off Death Eaters, though, I have been using him to ward off my love addiction. 

Drowning in laughter with my Mom, Dad, and brother and flipping through pages of fictional worlds are the only two things I've ever found to engage both my heart and mind in a way that leaves no room for loneliness or longing. So since my family and I are now spread across three states, novels needed to step up. There was never a better or more obvious time to revisit the brilliant magical world JK Rowling wrote into existence. What started as a temporary distraction from my loneliness and mourning over yet another lost love has now turned into something much more. Here is what re-reading Harry Potter in my single mid-twenties has taught me:

• As long as I am doing things that make me happy, loneliness and sadness cannot taint my singleness
• Loneliness and sadness will continue to be experienced regardless of my relationships
• I am capable of bravely embracing the unknown 
• Loving from a distance is just as powerful and sometimes for the best
• Loving is my greatest strength and its okay to want to share that with the world 

I suppose the point is this: I am still in love, I am single, I am not lonely, and I am happy...simultaneously. I am finally fiercely and fearlessly loving the most important person in my world - ME.

Three Extreme Reactions

It is 2:17am on a Wednesday as I start this blog post. I thought I'd be able to fall back to sleep after the bizarre events of my disturbed middle-of-the-night awakening...but my mind is going a mile a minute. Let's ride this wave.

I live above a bar. Well, diagonally above a bar. Mostly it just really sucks all the time, especially in the summer, because people are out laughing, smoking, and being generally loud at very wee hours of the morning. Much around the time of this little post you're reading. I have lived here for a year coming up next month and I have overheard arguments, one-side of drunk dialings to exes, people vomiting in the alley, people pissing in the alley, people laughing and being joyful, and people just being belligerently loud. Alright, that's fine, I live above a bar...it sucks...but it's kind of to be expected, right? 

Well tonight, for the first time since living here, I overheard a couple hooking up in the alley and had three very extreme reactions. 

• Reaction Number One: Ew ew ew ew ew. So many people have relieved themselves (in so many disgusting ways) in that alley. EW. I hope they didn't touch anything and I hope they have a condom and EW. Seriousy, so gross. 

• Reaction Number Two: People are SO rude. I am not in college anymore. I never wanted to, nor did I ever expect to, be woken up by the sounds of literally anyone having any sort of sexual contact ever..or ever again. It was bad enough in the college dorms, I don't need this in my adult life too. Most people don't realize that there are apartments up here...but still...who resorts to hooking up between a coffee shop and a bar in the middle of the morning on a TUESDAY? I just can't understand it. Get a room, please. 

• Reaction Number Three: Is it consensual? As soon as the confusion and disgust wore off from being awoken by a couple having disgusting sexual contact in the alley outside my apartment...all I could think was: Is it consensual?

As I'm sure you can imagine, it is this last question that has me kept awake this early morning. With everything in the news about the Stanford rape case, as a survivor myself, and as a recently single young adult...I have some pretty extreme feelings about tonight. 

Why didn't I intervene? Sure, it's a horribly strange position to be in and I didn't want to come across as some grumpy and very sleepy person trying to ruin their fun...but still...why didn't I intervene? Bystander intervention is a real thing...and it is a thing that I wish I was taught to do more confidently and more often. I didn't want to yell at them to shut up, to get a room, or to ask if it was consensual because I didn't want to ruin their fun. Seriously?? I sound like the father of that horrible young rapist and I am so ashamed. Society has taught me that those feelings of embarrassment and discomfort are stronger than my feelings to protect and stand up for a potential victim. I hate that I said nothing and simply turned on my AC unit to remove myself from the awkwardness. I genuinely hope I didn't make a mistake by turning a deaf ear. 

Were they being safe? Let's assume it was consensual, Were they being safe? Ignore the fact that they chose one of the dingiest alleys on the street to get it on....and let's talk about safe sex. I am all for a sex positive culture that we are striving for but with that comes a lot more risk. Unwanted pregnancies and STDs are very intimate things to share...let alone in a dark, pissy, vomity bar alley. Did they use a condom? Did they talk about their sexual histories before they jumped right in? Did they understand the risks versus the rewards? When was the last time they were tested? Have they ever been taught to have these hard conversations? Do they put that knowledge into practice?

I think it really sucks to be awakened by a couple of young lovers in the middle of a work night, yes, but I think it sucks even more to be awakened by my severe gap in comfort regarding bystander intervention. Tonight, I did not intervene. Sure, everything may have been fine and consensual...but it also may not have been. I understand that when it comes down to it, the parties involved should be responsible enough to recognize consent...but in light of all the articles we read, stories we hear, and rape cases we follow...that's just not always true. 

I hope writing my reaction to tonight's events helps me better prepare myself for the next time there is an opportunity to intervene...because history tells us there will always be another opportunity to intervene. I hope writing this helps you think about your responsibility as a bystander, too. The course of so many lives can be changed forever if we can all just learn how to say something--I know mine would have been.

It's all I want for me, too.

Today I was talking with a new friend about writing and how I used to blog. I definitely have to say it in past tense now because I certainly don't have the same dedication I once had. I described blogging as being a bit vain...and I'm not sure if I totally support that statement anymore. In the grand scheme of things, I certainly started blogging as a way to keep all my peeps across the country filled in on the goings-on of my life. But I even said it back when I first began, I was blogging (and journaling--which I now also don't do--ugh) to try to look at my life through a more positive lense. By no means are all of these blog posts positive...but they all helped me reflect a little bit deeper about what was really going on in my heart and in my life.

It's been pretty much two years since I finished my term with AmeriCorps. And it's pretty much been two years since I've taken this blog thing seriously. I think I was able to keep everyone up to date on AmeriCorps because it was my year of selfless service. My journey that year, while there was a lot of personal growth and experience, was mostly professional. It was the first time I was far away from home...and it was my first go at life outside of my education. It was new and exciting and different and I expected it to have a lot of ups and downs simply because of the crazy role I got myself into. 

And now we're here--two years later--with hardly any written words to show for. I've been thinking a lot today about why I wrote this blog and why I would possibly want to write again...and the answers aren't coming easy. Life is really really really really hard sometimes. And really really really personal. Moving to Denver has been the single most important decision I've made in my young 25 years. Just like every decision I've ever made though, really. Something big always feels like the most important one ever--haha. 

I don't really have a purpose for this post...except maybe to check in with those of you who I've recently discovered miss my writing. Thanks for noticing I stopped...but I can't make any promises it won't be another long couple months before the next.

Or maybe I guess the real update is this...this is the reflection I need to make for myself because that's really why I write this blog in the first place:

I am not always happy and I am perpetually heavy with other people's sadness. That's just the truth. But you know what? It's okay. I often beat myself up for carrying weight that is not meant for me...but if I witnessed this tendency in someone else, I would think they were absolutely beatuiful. In fact, I do have people in my life that do this...and they are beautiful. I don't put them down for loving other people. I don't put them down for wanting others to reach their full potential. I admire their faith in humanity and I just want them to treat themselves kindly. That's all I want for my beautiful friends...and it's all I want for me, too.

Alright...epiphany reached (I knew I kept this blog for a reason!)--hah. Goodnight. 

Snow Day 2016.

Today is March 23, 2016 and it is expected to snow anywhere between 5 and 8 inches in Denver, CO. This is the first Denver Public Schools snow day that I don't work at Downpours in the morning so (HAPPY DAY!) I have a full and random day off.

But wait.

Why do I have off this fine Wednesday morning when I have been working every other Wednesday morning for the past month? Oh yes, that's right, I remember now:

I [was supposed to] have a job interview.

Cancelled.

The struggle is real.

Fingers crossed we will be able to get it rescheduled because I really really want it! I'll just keep it at that for now.

If you're in Colorado and experiencing this storm that is rolling through...be safe! I will be hermit-ing because I'm a California girl that is terrified of driving in any weather that isn't sunny and 70 degrees.

Look! A Blog Post! :)

Hello All!

Of course I am posting this blog because I am procrastinating...hehe. But there is an alternate purpose that I promise to explain once I get to the end of this post. 

Here's what's going on here in Denver:

It's February...already. Where the heck has the time gone? I am still working the same two part-time jobs as last year: Afterschool Facilitator for the Drop-in Programs at Mi Casa Neighborhood Center at North High School and Barista-ing at Downpours Coffee. I may have the same two jobs but they are so much different than last year. 

At Mi Casa, I have started a Career Exploration club where I use my endless contacts/customers at Downpours Coffee to volunteer an afternoon to talk about their career to get the students thinking about "what's next". Attendance in the space has been OUTRAGEOUS which is wonderfully exciting...and incredibly overwhelming. Because of this, we finally hired another Afterschool Facilitator to help us out! She will start running programs in about a week and a half! Hallelujah. 

At Downpours, I'm finally getting a little bit of my desire to "do good" fulfilled. I coordinated the first ever Downpours Coffee Food Drive right before the holidays. And I'm hoping to get a little park clean-up set up for our customers and their families to volunteer and feel like they're making a difference in their community. If there is one thing I have learned about asking my customers to volunteer at Mi Casa...it is that most people WANT to give back to their community, they're just not likely to search it out themselves. I've had about ten customers volunteer at Mi Casa...and about 50 participate in the Food Drive. It'll be awesome to see how many say "yes" to help the community in a different way in the next few months. It is a challenge and a project that I am creating for myself...and I find it thrilling. 

OH YEAH. You know what else is going on in Denver? The freaking Broncos are in the Superbowl. I have been avidly watching football this year...so I actually feel like I kind of care. I have never lived in a place where the team has gone to the Superbowl. I am totally feeding into the hype. I just bought a horrendously orange Broncos shirt to wear in support of my city. I am pumped for Sunday. 

Other exciting tidbits:

• I am trying to attend at least one Spanish Speaking Happy Hour per month (one is tonight)
• I took a beginner Bachata dance class last week...and hope to make it a more regular activity. I love that my friends are interested in these things :)
• My solo apartment is still awesome and adorable and I love it
• I have my keyboard all set up with a sustain pedal and stand and chair so I have been singing for pleasure significantly more these days
• I will be crafting with two of the wonderful friends I've made since moving to Denver tomorrow
• I am on the job search...as always. No more of this double-part-time-job nonsense next year...I am going full-time baby

And that last bullet point is why I am writing this post. A) I am totally procrastinating on my search because looking for work and then editing resumes and writing cover letters has to be the most tedious and exhausting thing that a human ever has to do. But more importantly, B) I think I want to apply to more communications based positions and everyone I have talked to said that writing is becoming a somewhat archaic skill and I should definitely push that skill when I am applying to those positions. Truth be told, I haven't written for pleasure in a really long time. So...this post is really to shake off the dust and help me remember how much I really enjoy written word. 

Hopefully this job search will get me back on the writing horse. It's a shame I have been away for so long. Fingers crossed to more writing and a successful job search! Cheers!

And Go Broncos!

My First Half Marathon

LOOK HOW BADASS THIS PICTURE IS. I feel really cool (even though it looks like a squirrel is sitting on my head).

Kooky Spooky Half Marathon
Golden, CO
October 25, 2015

Coming Your Way Soon--hopefully.

A pretty sunset last week...probably after a flash flood or something...

Here's an itsy-bitsy update since my mother might have mentioned people are getting a little antsy about my lack of posting.... I don't know who you are but thank you for noticing I've been off the grid...and thanks for reading :) --it makes me feel real warm and fuzzy. 

First of all, I am alive and well. Really well, actually. Yesterday, July 6, 2015, marked my One Year Coloradoversary (as my friend Lora called it). That's what I really want my next real hearty post to be about...but I don't exactly have time for that. At least not yet. 

Wanna know why?

1) I've been working 50 hours a week the past 3 weeks.

2) I'm in the process of moving out of my house and into my first solo apartment.

3) I'm applying for full time jobs.

4) It's summer in Denver and I'm obviously trying to have fun, too-- duh. 

Hopefully I'll have some enjoyable writing time soon (because NO, I don't consider writing cover letters and editing my resume to meet the needs of every job description enjoyable).

It may still be a few weeks til I'm officially back at it--but until then, send me productive mojo vibes!! I have a lot of adult-y things I need to get taken care of. 

:)

"You look like Britney Spears...and NOT in a good way."

Bullying, luckily, was never a very big issue I faced when I was growing up. I witnessed it from time to time with friends and tried my best to serve as an advocate--but fortunate for me, I was rarely the punch line to some bully's joke-- at least not to my face...

Well, except this one time. 

It was a late-start day in the 7th grade, I had just bought a new skirt, and it was warm enough to wear it since we started school later in the morning. I was SO excited for my outfit! I wore a white shirt, my new black and gray layered skirt, my white knee high socks, and my Jack Purcell shoes. I thought I looked adorable...and my mother let me out of the house...so I couldn't have been looking too sleazy or dumb or mis-matched, right?

Wrong-- according to this bully. 

In typical "mean girls" fashion, a group of three 8th grade girls with arms linked came strolling up behind me and the middle girl decided to say this to me (I am 99.9% sure this is a direct quote):

"What the hell are you wearing? You look like Britney Spears-- and not in a good way."

These girls didn't miss a beat. They just kept on walking. To say the very least, after that, my day was ruined. I remember pushing my socks down the entire rest of the day, avoiding eye contact with as many people as possible for fear they had the same judgement, and my 1st period English seat-neighbor asking, very concerned, if I was okay over and over again.

Ugh-- bitch (Pardon my French)...I will never forget this girl.

Tomorrow is an event called Totally Tennyson which is a 70s-80s-90s themed street/bar/restaurant crawl that benefits the Denver Public School system. Dressing up, drinking, eating, and benefitting the children?? Be still, my heart--I'm there!

And guess who I'm dressing up as? Oh yeah, you guessed it, BRITNEY EFFING SPEARS, knee-high socks and all. I have pretty severe anxiety about wearing this outfit tomorrow...mostly because of what hurt me when I was a kid but I'm doing it anyway. I am going to rock it. And if anyone has an opinion I'll just say "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME! I can take it!"

Happy Friday, all. Have a safe and wonderful weekend. I promise I'll do the same :)

Nothing-Too-Crazy November

I guess I’ve gotten a bit behind on the monthly updates again huh? Well here’s to going back in time and writing them anyway. I am a stubborn little lady…so even though this stuff isn’t particularly relevant in the middle of April…it still happened and I’m still going to write about it. Cheers to stubbornness!!

November was a relatively anticlimactic month…in that nothing Earth shattering happened. Emotional turmoil occurred as per usual…and I had to drive in the snow for the first time which was the most treacherous thing I’ve ever had to do in order to commute for work…but besides that, it’s all run-of-the-mill.

Working with them High Schoolers

Multiple times a year, Mi Casa has students take surveys so that we can get funding through certain grants and just to track their progress. During November, we had our first meeting regarding a couple of the survey’s results. Most of the information told us that the students don’t feel much peer-to-peer trust. We have since been working hard to create a peer-support-system amongst the students. Despite that pretty big glitch, we did find out something pretty cool. Our students responded to the survey with information that showed they feel heard, supported, and safe with all of the Mi Casa staff. We were all very happy about this.

A student stepped up and helped me run a program she planned called “Fear Factor”—yes, like the show. It wasn’t icky gross stuff like in the show (mostly because I can’t have students eating spiders on my watch) but we did do fun little timed challenges. The best one was a thing we called “The Slimy Search.” The day before our little event, we made spaghetti noodles and Jell-o and hid 10 little licorice pieces in each container. We let the Jell-o solidify overnight and then everyone had to just dig in. It was messy and fun and the students really liked it J

The Slimy Search!

A Long Island Thanksgiving

I bought a ticket out to New York for Thanksgiving 42 hours before my departure time. I’m not a super impulsive person…but I’m glad I was this time. I got to spend about 5 days with Doug and his family during the holidays. I love being with people I care about at the holidays—don’t you? Doug and I made gluten free cheesecake (holy crap it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever had…or maybe it’s just because I hadn’t had cheesecake in a long time), I found pumpkin cider that ACTUALLY tasted like pumpkin, I watched my favorite movie/musical “Rent”, played lots of charades, and was made extra special gluten free stuffing and gravy at Doug’s family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone was so considerate and welcoming and warm. It was a great last minute trip.

Awesome pictures from our photoshoot with Doug's Mom for her
new line of men's hats! And girls ones too :)

Attempting to be Social

Tennyson Street is a happening place these days. Downpours is poppin’ and there are lots of restaurants opening almost every day (slight exaggeration). My absolute [now] favorite restaurant is a little place called Block&Larder. I went over there on their first soft-opening day after I got off of work at the coffee shop. It’s the first not-café-type-place I’ve ever been to alone. I chatted with the bartenders and the other people sitting at the bar enjoying the food. I’ve never been so brave socially in my entire life! Although now I wish I never discovered this talent…I find myself trekking across the street more than my pocket book likes…

The Simple Serendipities

The Race Exhibit. Ah, yes. My roommate Sam and I went to the Colorado History Museum and checked out the Race Exhibit that was there for the season. It was amazing and so educational. We went to a “special event” there so they also narrowed racism down to Colorado and Denver alone…which was out of the ordinary for the exhibit. It was really neat.

My first drawing :)

New Hobbies. After watching Doug’s mom crochet so many things while I was in Long Island (you guys should definitely check out her stuff here), I decided I wanted to try out the hobby myself. I went out and got crochet hooks, yarn, and a fun little drawing-start-up-kit. I love crafting :)

My New Writing Game

My parents got me the most adorable and dorky birthday present a recent novelist and brand new writing group member could ask for...

They got me a "game" called The Writer's Toolbox and yes, we did play it at our writing group last night. And this is why I write to you today.

April is National Poetry Writing Month. Ideally, I hoped to write one poem a day during this month...but let's be real, that hasn't been happening. But lo and behold, because I had writing group last night, I wrote a poem. I have never ever ever published a poem on the internet so please be kind. The following poem is what was created as a result of The Writer's Toolbox and National Poetry Writing Month. 

Untitled

I put tulips under all the pillows and then I set the house on fire

The pink petals billowed

Cotton Candy

The toddlers from across Sherman Avenue crawl slugglishly toward it

I try to wave them away

But each word out of my mouth is green petal after petal

I pull leaves from my eyelids

Brush dirt from my kneecaps

She found a diamond bracelet in the back of the car-- little baby Peyton

That's the last I saw of her before she was swallowed

Choking in the thickness I created

I used to plant tulips at the Foster House garden

I lived there from twelve to eighteen before I got the fuck out of Dodge

Dodge, Arkansas-- really

I see the foster parents' judging eyes and I am peaceful once again drowning in this smoke

The lemon sherbet that melted all over the counter is what lit the match, I'll tell them

Its yellow ooze dripping slowly like the children crawling

With each drip

          Friction

          Friction

          Friction

          Spark

Good thing I had the flowers ready

The slightly purple words are the sentences from the game. You pick a "First Sentence" stick then you write for 6 minutes. You pick a "NonSequitur" stick and write for 6 minutes. Then you pick up a "Last Straw" stick and finish up. So there ya go. If you want to write something, anything, even if its terrible, I seriously suggest picking up this game. It is/was fun :)

My Denver Stay-cation.

A beautiful thing is happening these days-- I have some time off. Outrageous, I know. I was planning on being in New York City for Spring Break...but because of not-totally-forseen circumstances (hah), I am instead having a little bit of a "stay-cation" right here in the Denver area. It has been and will continue to be in the 70s until tomorrow-ish so I am participating in all my out-doorsy, sun-dressy activities until the snow starts on Thursday. Oh Denver, how you confuse and excite me. 

Since the start of my vacation which also doubles as my last week of being 23 (gasp!), I have done a lot of really cool shit-- pardon my French. I have gone on a Harley ride to gorgeous Golden, went to a poetry slam at The Mercury Cafe with my roomie, went on a great hike in Mount Galbraith Park, beer tasted for the first time ever at Odd13 Brewing, cider tasted at The Old Mine Cidery and Brewpub, stayed the night with one of the best friends I've made since moving to Denver, and connected for the first time with my mom's cousin. Life has been really really fun the past couple days.

The next couple days, however, are a little less "fun" and a little more about planning my future. I'm staying in Denver for at least another year-- yay, seriously. This means, though, that I need to find a full-time job (cue depressing, exhausted music). My time with Mi Casa's Neighborhood Center at North is coming to a close the end of May...and I need to replace that fulfilling job with another one. I don't think making espresso drinks is going to make the "I feel like I'm making a positive difference in people's lives" cut. Luckily I have made some incredible professional connections that have been passing along job openings and I am so grateful.

But despite these awesome connections, I still have to go through the struggle, pain, disappointment, elation, and rigor of applying for all these jobs. Life is fun and busy today...Life will be (hopefully) motivated and busy tomorrow. 

This is Lisa's new puppy in a bag.
We thought it was hilarious-- naturally.

A cool little flower cactus ball on my Mount Galbraith Hike :)

Gluten-reduced (<10ppm) beer at Odd 13 Brewing!

Until next time... :)

Hope in my Back Pocket

I've been really angry lately. I mean, uncharacteristically so. I think this has to be my least favorite emotion. I feel guilty for feeling angry. Does that make sense? Like-- I CAN'T rationalize myself out of sadness...but I CAN rationalize my way out of anger. So why don't I? I feel like when I'm angry (for more than a couple minutes) I'm just unnecessarily stewing on things that don't really matter. It's all the would have's, could have's, should have's. It's regret. It's mixed with sadness. It sucks. I feel angry for being angry. Have you ever felt that way? It's this vicious cycle that I know will end soon but I wish I could end sooner. I feel lost. I feel exhausted for expelling such powerful energy. I want to be happy again-- or at least a smiling version of neutral. I want to be okay. I just want to be able to mean it when people ask "how have you been?" and I say "fine". It's been a rough couple weeks. It's been a rough month. It's been a rough 2015 so far. I'm ready for things to turn around. 

So now I will turn things around, even if the universe isn't ready for me to be "okay" yet. I'm ready and that is all the permission I need to move forward with a smile on my face and hope in my back pocket.

So here are my (new) goals for the rest of 2015. 

Run a half- marathon. 

Write and perform a spoken word poem. 

I run a lot and write a lot when I'm sad and angry anyway. I might as well set some goals to focus my exasperated self. 

Below is one of my favorite TED Talks of all time. The part that focuses on "the dark side of the subjunctive" is actually one of the most healing concepts I've ever wrapped my head around. I feel regret because the English language allows for it. I do not have to feel this way. Not everyone feels this way. Something about that gives me immense relief. I highly encourage you to watch. 

It Can Only Go Up from Here

The past 30 days of life have been a whirlwind in all the worst ways possible. I don't understand how March got so screwed...but it did. And I'm over it.

I am officially staying in Denver. 

I am my main source of happiness.

I am independent. 

Bring it on.

Twenty-three is my Favorite Age

Do you guys know those old beachballs with hand written questions all over it you used in college leadership groups and other get-to-know-you group settings? Well, if you've never seen one, I encourage you to imagine it-- or look it up. 

The other afterschool facilitator and I have been slowly but surely adding questions to this orb in hopes that the students will begin having some more meaningful discussions and share about themselves without feeling like they're diving head first into vulnerability. We've been adding "easy" questions like "What's your favorite color?" and "What's your favorite season and why?" to ease them into talking about themselves. Then one of our students asked to add the following question:

What was/is your favorite age and why?

Some of the students' responses were vulnerable and I'm not sure they even realized it. One of them said when they were 9 because it was before they started having to take responsibility of themselves. Another students said ages 1 to 3 because that was when he lived in Mexico and life was just so much easier than it is now. I think those are very telling responses, I'm not sure if they recognized the same vulnerability, but I was grateful for their courage. 

This question also got me thinking. What was my favorite age and why? Let me indulge you in my response. 

Twenty-three is my favorite age. I am not trying to tell you that I am ridiculously happy right now...because honestly, these past many weeks have been some of the most trying times I've ever gone through, and I'm not happy. 

BUT, this question got me really thinking about what my favorite age is...despite this stretch of trudging my last few months. Here is why 23 is my favorite age:

• I completed a year of service for my country (Shout out to all FEMA Corps Class 20A)
• I moved to a brand new city knowing no one but the people I came with
• I went from having no home and no income in Denver and within two weeks, I had both a room over my head AND a job
• I am expanding my experiences and interests by juggling 4 jobs in 4 completely different categories of work (youth development, coffee, musical education, administrative work)
• I'm slowly overcoming my fear and hatred of networking
• I put my whole heart into making a long distance relationship work for nearly my entire 23rd year
• I ran 75+ miles in the National Mall/Washington, DC when I lived there
• I was givin a glowing letter of recommendation from the Director of Operations at FEMA Headquarters in Washington, DC
• I wrote (the first draft of) a novel
• I made friends in Denver and re-connected with old ones
• I fell in love with working with high school youth...perhaps shaping the path of a future career

There is no denying that life is hard right now. But 23, man. Look at all the cool stuff I did when I was 23! And I mean, those are only the things that were super duper cool that stick out to me. I still know there's even more than that. I completely flipped my life up-side-down when I was 23 and I'm still managing to keep my head above water (even if it's just long enough to breathe).

I turn twenty-four in 18 short days. Any suggestions on how I can end this already badass year with an unforgettable bang? Let me know--after you check out the pictures from my 23rd year below, of course. 

New Friends and Old Friends on St. Patrick's Day 2015.

The wonderful group of women I work with at Mi Casa Neighborhood Center
 at North Campus.

One of the many gorgeous views of the monuments in the National Mall.

The first night in our house. No furniture and hardly enough utensils to cook.

On our way to Denver, CO.

My life-changing AmeriCorps Team, Bayou 6, at our Awards Banquet.

Thanks to all who made 23 the most memorable, challenging, and exciting year of my life. I plan to grow and challenge myself and cry just as much when I'm 24. I hope you'll be a part of it.

A Black Eye is Forming

Today, after struggling to get the students engaged in anything, I had to have a discussion with three students about why they were refusing to be on the same soccer team. This took nearly the entire program time. But don't worry, in the last 2 minutes before programs ended (when I was finally allowed to have a little bit of fun), I managed to take a soccer ball to the face, break my only pair of glasses, get a big ol' gash on the bridge of my nose, and maybe curse a little bit (but hopefully quiet enough that none of the students heard because I'm supposed to practice what I preach, right?)

Please see the progression of embarrassing "selfies" below to fully experience the awkwardness and humor of my very interesting Friday the 13th. I never was much for superstition...but perhaps now my mind has changed. 

The little gash on my nose from my glasses frames breaking.

Emergency surgery on my broken glasses. Thank goodness for super glue.

"When life gives you a soccer ball to the face,
wrap peas on your head." -Shannon T. Conmy
(I give everyone complete permission to quote me on this)

Now let's hope I don't get a black eye. #selfie

Not pictured above is a very humorous interaction between me and my roommate, Kurt. While ordering a new pair of glasses online, I realized I did not know my PD: pupillary distance, aka the distance in millimeters between the center of my pupils. Kurt and I attempted for about 10 minutes to measure the distance with a ruler. It was quite a sight to see. 

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone. Hope you had a great one. 

I am a First-Draft Novelist.

As many of you likely saw on Tuesday...

February 24, 2015 at approximately 1:30pm MST, I completed my novel with 50,091 words on the 30th day of my 30-day writing challenge. I sobbed nearly the entire last day I wrote because a) my story ended sort of sad and b) I was closing the chapter on one of the most adventurously creative months of my life. I preemptively cried for all the nostalgia I knew I was going to feel. And just as I suspected, the nostalgia has arrived. 

Today was my first Saturday since I completed my novel. As I walked home from work all I could keep thinking was "What am I going to do with myself today?" I even asked my friend Lora, writing companion and fellow National Novel Writing Month Champion (go Lora!!), and she shared the same feeling of loss,longing, and lack of identity. It is amazing how quickly I became totally engrossed in the project-- and frightening how abruptly it ended.

I went through past journal entries just to remind myself of things I used to do on Saturday's. There was never really anything all too exciting, but I was reminded to go grocery shopping and make myself food today. Thank goodness I keep track of this stuff, huh?

Luckily, though, I prepared for this feeling of loss: 

You are reading the blog of the Committee Chair of Communications for the Stupid Cancer CancerCon Kickoff Fundraiser event on April 9, 2015. Booyah. I will be in charge of coordinating marketing efforts, email correspondence, fundraiser website content, etc. all leading up to and following this event. I connected with this organization a few months ago when I happened to meet one of the five New York City based Stupid Cancer employees in my coffee shop in Denver, Colorado. More networking awesomeness, right? But yes, I knew I'd be really busy twiddling my thumbs if I didn't get another project to replace any potential post-novel depression. So here it is, my energy and high-strung-ness (as an official novelist I now have permission to make up any words I like) will not go to waste!

Fundraiser communications, full speed ahead!! :)

Also, I have a Stupid Cancer fundraiser page that I would really love your support on. If you are unable to donate at this time, please pass it on to someone who can. Stupid Cancer is doing some amazing things for Young Adult Cancer patients and survivors, I'm honored to be a part of it.

42,716.

Fourty-two thousand, seven hundred and sixteen. 

That is my word count at this exact moment. And this is the song that was just playing on my Spotify as I finished typing about 1,000 words in 30 minutes. 

No wonder I was typing so damn fast. I think I will probably hit my word count tomorrow and THEN actually wrap up the story in the next couple days. I am still getting adrenaline rushes while I write because my characters are still surprising me. This is an unbelievable adventure for my subconscious. I truly recommend writing  50,000 word story in 30 days to everyone, writers or not. This has been one of the most enlightening personal projects I have ever embarked on.

I can't wait to delve a little further into it for you. 

But for now, I sleep. Goodnight, all. 

The Coffee Shop

Okay, so maybe this isn't the most glamorous or challenging place for me to work at the age of 23 (almost 24). But hear this-- working here has been networking gold. Do you know how many people of such different walks of life I've met working here? I meet college students. business owners, doctors, freelance writers, therapists, musicians, engineers, retired old men who make clocks, toddlers that dress up like Elsa for Halloween, people with multiple personalities disorder, Cal Poly alum, and the list goes on. I've met one-on-one with some of these people to just pick their brain about what they do. Do you know how much people love to talk about themselves...especially if they like their job? SO MUCH. 

It was just proven today, yet again, that this coffee shop is a goldmine for networking. Turns out, one of the women who comes in that I absolutely adore has a very close friend who works at the company I just applied for-- in New York City. Small world, right? 

Adrenaline has been coursing through me since this discovery. Does this connection mean anything? Not necessarily. But I know someone who knows someone who works at a really badass nonprofit in the city I'm trying to move to. There is absolutely no way that this is bad information to have. 

Fingers crossed a gazillion times over. The good vibes, the prayers, they are all welcome. Here goes nothin'!




Also, unrelated to work: I am at 10, 344 words in my novel. I feel like I'm flying. 

Do your thing, Fate.

I have officially applied for that dream job. Fingers crossed that I am the right person applying at the right time. Now all I must do is wait.

And write my novel. No more procrastination excuses-- darn.




Prayers and good vibes are always accepted here. I'll keep everyone posted :)