Goodbye Love, Hello Novel

Today was the best worst day. 

It was the best because I told myself that I was going to write a novel and I would start today and I actually did. At this specific moment in time, I am 1,864 words into that endeavor. 

It was the worst because I had to say goodbye, yet again, to Doug. This is the first time he came out to Denver to visit me, and truthfully, I wish I had gone to see him. I feel like seeing him, like with seeing some of my best friends and especially my family, almost causes a relapse in my independent progress. I am fairly alone in Denver, making friends is not my main priority at this point in my life-- work is, and I accept that. But seeing my father, mother, brother, best friend, boyfriend...it changes my experience here. I would rather escape my reality and experience love elsewhere rather than have love so temporarily intertwined in my lonely workaholic Denver life. 

And so my novel ties back in. Maybe it's a healthy decision, maybe it's not...but I'm fully aware that this novel is going to be a surrogate relationship for those I am currently and always missing. In No Plot? No Problem! by Chris Baty, one of his biggest suggestions is to write characters you like and want to spend time with because you will be with them every day for this journey. Kind of sad that I am excited about the characters that blossom from my conscious and subconscious imaginations, huh? 

The way I optomistically see it, is this year is about self-growth and doing things that I truly want to do. I wanted to network, I do that all the time at the coffee shop. I wanted to work in non-profit, I work for a well renown Denver nonprofit everyday. I wanted to teach voice lessons, I now have four enthusiastic students. I wanted to write a novel, I started one today. I just saw a dumb little Buzzfeed article about Ellen Degeneres Quotes in honor of her birthday and one of them is this:

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself.

So maybe I'm doing things right...or maybe I'm doing things horribly wrong. All I do know is that I have already accomplished so many of my dreams this year, why not continue even if a lot of the reason is to distract me from what's missing? 

I'm struggling today as I am sure I will do intermittently for quite a while. All I can hope is that all of this energy I am putting into work and this long distance relationship and bettering myself will all be worth it in some way someday. I truly hope that someday is soon.