It is 2:17am on a Wednesday as I start this blog post. I thought I'd be able to fall back to sleep after the bizarre events of my disturbed middle-of-the-night awakening...but my mind is going a mile a minute. Let's ride this wave.
I live above a bar. Well, diagonally above a bar. Mostly it just really sucks all the time, especially in the summer, because people are out laughing, smoking, and being generally loud at very wee hours of the morning. Much around the time of this little post you're reading. I have lived here for a year coming up next month and I have overheard arguments, one-side of drunk dialings to exes, people vomiting in the alley, people pissing in the alley, people laughing and being joyful, and people just being belligerently loud. Alright, that's fine, I live above a bar...it sucks...but it's kind of to be expected, right?
Well tonight, for the first time since living here, I overheard a couple hooking up in the alley and had three very extreme reactions.
- Reaction Number One: Ew ew ew ew ew. So many people have relieved themselves (in so many disgusting ways) in that alley. EW. I hope they didn't touch anything and I hope they have a condom and EW. Seriousy, so gross.
- Reaction Number Two: People are SO rude. I am not in college anymore. I never wanted to, nor did I ever expect to, be woken up by the sounds of literally anyone having any sort of sexual contact ever..or ever again. It was bad enough in the college dorms, I don't need this in my adult life too. Most people don't realize that there are apartments up here...but still...who resorts to hooking up between a coffee shop and a bar in the middle of the morning on a TUESDAY? I just can't understand it. Get a room, please.
- Reaction Number Three: Is it consensual? As soon as the confusion and disgust wore off from being awoken by a couple having disgusting sexual contact in the alley outside my apartment...all I could think was: Is it consensual?
As I'm sure you can imagine, it is this last question that has me kept awake this early morning. With everything in the news about the Stanford rape case, as a survivor myself, and as a recently single young adult...I have some pretty extreme feelings about tonight.
Why didn't I intervene? Sure, it's a horribly strange position to be in and I didn't want to come across as some grumpy and very sleepy person trying to ruin their fun...but still...why didn't I intervene? Bystander intervention is a real thing...and it is a thing that I wish I was taught to do more confidently and more often. I didn't want to yell at them to shut up, to get a room, or to ask if it was consensual because I didn't want to ruin their fun. Seriously?? I sound like the father of that horrible young rapist and I am so ashamed. Society has taught me that those feelings of embarrassment and discomfort are stronger than my feelings to protect and stand up for a potential victim. I hate that I said nothing and simply turned on my AC unit to remove myself from the awkwardness. I genuinely hope I didn't make a mistake by turning a deaf ear.
Were they being safe? Let's assume it was consensual, Were they being safe? Ignore the fact that they chose one of the dingiest alleys on the street to get it on....and let's talk about safe sex. I am all for a sex positive culture that we are striving for but with that comes a lot more risk. Unwanted pregnancies and STDs are very intimate things to share...let alone in a dark, pissy, vomity bar alley. Did they use a condom? Did they talk about their sexual histories before they jumped right in? Did they understand the risks versus the rewards? When was the last time they were tested? Have they ever been taught to have these hard conversations? Do they put that knowledge into practice?
I think it really sucks to be awakened by a couple of young lovers in the middle of a work night, yes, but I think it sucks even more to be awakened by my severe gap in comfort regarding bystander intervention. Tonight, I did not intervene. Sure, everything may have been fine and consensual...but it also may not have been. I understand that when it comes down to it, the parties involved should be responsible enough to recognize consent...but in light of all the articles we read, stories we hear, and rape cases we follow...that's just not always true.
I hope writing my reaction to tonight's events helps me better prepare myself for the next time there is an opportunity to intervene...because history tells us there will always be another opportunity to intervene. I hope writing this helps you think about your responsibility as a bystander, too. The course of so many lives can be changed forever if we can all just learn how to say something--I know mine would have been.
