Hope in my Back Pocket

I've been really angry lately. I mean, uncharacteristically so. I think this has to be my least favorite emotion. I feel guilty for feeling angry. Does that make sense? Like-- I CAN'T rationalize myself out of sadness...but I CAN rationalize my way out of anger. So why don't I? I feel like when I'm angry (for more than a couple minutes) I'm just unnecessarily stewing on things that don't really matter. It's all the would have's, could have's, should have's. It's regret. It's mixed with sadness. It sucks. I feel angry for being angry. Have you ever felt that way? It's this vicious cycle that I know will end soon but I wish I could end sooner. I feel lost. I feel exhausted for expelling such powerful energy. I want to be happy again-- or at least a smiling version of neutral. I want to be okay. I just want to be able to mean it when people ask "how have you been?" and I say "fine". It's been a rough couple weeks. It's been a rough month. It's been a rough 2015 so far. I'm ready for things to turn around. 

So now I will turn things around, even if the universe isn't ready for me to be "okay" yet. I'm ready and that is all the permission I need to move forward with a smile on my face and hope in my back pocket.

So here are my (new) goals for the rest of 2015. 

Run a half- marathon. 

Write and perform a spoken word poem. 

I run a lot and write a lot when I'm sad and angry anyway. I might as well set some goals to focus my exasperated self. 

Below is one of my favorite TED Talks of all time. The part that focuses on "the dark side of the subjunctive" is actually one of the most healing concepts I've ever wrapped my head around. I feel regret because the English language allows for it. I do not have to feel this way. Not everyone feels this way. Something about that gives me immense relief. I highly encourage you to watch.